Chapter 5

"You don't need to go to school anymore. Since your mind isn't where it should be, there's no point wasting money."

"Starting today, you'll study at home. I'll personally watch over you."

Mom stood up, looking down at me from above.

I didn't argue back because I knew it was useless.

When I was little, Mom wouldn't let me go to school, but I'd sneak there anyway.

When I got home, I was stripped naked and made to kneel in the bathroom while being beaten until I was covered in purple marks.

I nodded somewhat numbly and stood up.

From then on, I became more obedient and quieter.

I never mentioned the chick again, and neither did Mom.

But she controlled and managed me even more than before.

She called the school and strongly demanded that I return home to study on my own.

She said I was mentally unstable and not suitable to study with everyone else.

She started monitoring me twenty-four hours a day.

"If you can't get first place, even living is a waste."

"I'm doing this all for your own good. You're not taking the college entrance exam for me."

So I studied desperately, wanting to get into a good college far, far away.

I started having hope again.

In the last month before the SAT, I received an early acceptance letter from New York University.

I gripped the thin letter tightly, but the next second Mom snatched it away.

She tore it to shreds right in front of me.

"You want to go to NYU! You want to run far away and escape my grasp! Joy, you're dreaming!"

I watched the pieces of the acceptance letter fall from the air.

I silently picked up the scraps of paper, ignoring the woman's hysteria behind me.

One piece, two pieces, three pieces.

So it's true that when pain reaches its extreme, it becomes silent.

This time, I couldn't cry anymore.

My heart was completely empty.

I turned and went back to my room, opening a practice test.

Like I was completing one final task.

Take the SAT. Take it one last time.

The last time.

That's what I told myself.

On SAT day, I set my own alarm, made my own breakfast, and took a taxi to the test center by myself.

Just like all those times I'd gone to class alone before. Completely ordinary.

When the SAT results came out, I'd scored first place in the entire city.

I stood on the rooftop, scrolling through Dad's social media.

Dad's new daughter had been born.

I smiled a little, liked the post, and commented "Congratulations."

Dad's number appeared on my phone. This was the first call Dad had initiated since the divorce.

I didn't answer. I didn't need to answer anymore.

I'd already blocked Mom's number. Her messages came flooding in.

I threw my phone ten meters away.

Inside was my suicide note.

"Mom and Dad, I got first place. Will you like me, even just a little bit?"

"But even though I got first place, I still have no friends, no home, no self."

"I don't want to live anymore."

Turns out dying is easier than living.

I just had to fall gently downward.

And the world went quiet.